Aakankasha Vajpayee or Aakankasha Shukla or Dhairya’s mother
or just Aakankasha?
The last six months have been a time of introspection for
me and the two questions that have bothered me the most –
·
Who am I?
·
What is my purpose / passion?
While these two questions have been on my mind, there’s a
reason why I am writing about it today. A very simple incident that triggered
something very uncomfortable in me and I got to wondering why I even bother.
Today when Aditya was going to visit the new place where
we would be staying, he wanted to take Shivani and didn’t even ask me. By the
way, this was for inspecting the pending work that was still to be closed
before we moved. Nothing more than the idea of these two experienced people visiting
the place to report back on the WIP felt ridiculous. I snapped at Aditya saying
what is she going to do there, take mom and go in case you really want to make
use of the visit. And as always, that irked him.
More than anyone else, I was very upset with mom. Despite
telling her repeatedly, she is not able to understand the dynamics of the
stupid games that young people play these days and by ignoring these little things,
she is building a pathway to ensuring loss of power for herself. I know this
may sound harsh so what is a power play in a family but trust me it exists and
the elders in the house need to exercise and make the other family members also
realize the same. She then said something that completely made me lose it. She
said I don’t understand anything that people tell me and can’t make sense out
of anything.
As a daughter, while I wanted to empathize with her, but as
a woman I felt the need to take her out of this stupid notion and own her house,
her family and her position as the home minister! And just like it struck to me
and I wanted to know why this was bothering me so much. Would it have mattered
had I stayed separately and not be an audience to these things that are going
on? Suddenly my opinion did not matter but the experience of a 26-year-old girl
who has just lived with mom and dad for 6months, about how my parents should stay
would be the new way of life?
So, at this juncture I think that I no longer have a
place where my opinion matters – neither at my husband’s place not my parents’ place.
And hence the question to be not to be – Vajpayee or Shukla? Or am I now
expected to kill every belief that I have had as an individual and take care of
my son, who is my lifeline right now? Now, if Dhairya is all I want in my life
then why do I still feel incomplete or cannot restrict myself to just taking
care of him and focusing all my energy on his. That should made be happy and
not exhausting right? But I still need a break for him! Expecting that you don’t
judge me here 😊
So, where will my voice be heard and emotions reciprocated? Am I going through an identity crisis or just on a
journey to find my identity as simply Aakankasha?
Passion part of the confusion has got some clarity not
and I know that adding value to people around me is what makes me happy. But
the paradox about this is going to be that I will have to prepare myself to
never have anything that I do for anyone reciprocated.
Now, this phase, that is the next 12 months, are either going
to MAKE ME OR BREAK ME. I hope I turn out to be a crazy mix of all - Aakankasha - Vajpayee / Shukla / Mommy / Daughter / Sister / Friend / Colleague and at the end just a FANTABULOUS HUMAN BEING that everyone is happy around!
x
