The Dream Catcher

Once again, I woke up, at a strange hour, wondering why I am not able to sleep?! This wasn’t the first time I work up at an odd hour in the middle of the night but this time my mind was seeking some serious answers!

Why has it become so difficult for me to sleep through the night? Was it a good dream or a never-ending nightmare?

Was it the worry of tomorrow or the recollection of yesterday?

Was it because of the love lost or the love not found?

Was it the curiosity of the future or reminiscence of the past?

Was it the goodbyes or the new hellos?

Was it moments I chose or the memories I was not able to create?

These unending questions made me question everything around me and as I stared at the plain ceiling of my room, I wondered why everything must be questioned. I loved a line that I watched in a movie that no matter how hard you try, you will always miss out on something or the other. Despite that we look and want everything!

As the night passed with lingering thoughts on my mind, my eye stopped on a dream catcher that I have in my room. It is believed that the feathers in a dream catcher catch the good dreams, and the bad dreams would get caught up in the web. The purpose of these is to provide a protective charm that could catch any harm that might be in the air. I then looked at my son who was sleeping peacefully and though that at least the dreamcatcher works for him.

At that moment, he turned to my side and held my hand. Trust me, the first thought that came to me was this is a sign! But a sign of what? Was the universe trying to give me a hint to answer the questions on my mind? Or was it just a coincidence and I am forcibly connecting the dots!

Then it hit me that I could be his dream catcher! Remember, when we were young and after having a bad dream, we would immediately look for our parents / siblings to talk about it and be comforted. As we grew up, this share would be with our friends / spouse and there comes a time when we keep our bad dreams, fears only to ourselves! The new trend now is that it becomes our social media post!

 With a world population of 7.9 billion people, why has it become so difficult for us to be share our fears? Why are we so vulnerable in talking about our bad dreams? Can we not find a handful of people who would comfort us?

Let us be someone’s dreamcatcher. Let us create a web of those around us who keep the negativity away from our life and bring in positive vibes.

The Bookshop

As I wandered through a concrete lane buzzing with crowd and cars honking, I noticed a store that did not have anyone inside. A quiet and calm store that had something very charming abut it. Can’t say if it was the elegant look or the chic entrance, but the store was a pleasant sight to the screen tired eyes!

I wondered why would a store in such a busy street be empty and that too over a weekend? Every other store around had a long queue at the billing counters but this store was on peace.

As I walked closer, the sparkling glass entrance had a magical charm with a calling that I could not look away from, and so I made my way towards it. Upon nearing the glass entrance, I could gather that it was a bookshop and hence understood the abandonment. But that wasn’t the end of my surprise!

Through the glass door, as I made my way further in, I was fascinated to see rows and rows of books in glass shelves - neat, clean and untouched. But there was no way to pull out a book to see or read. There was no assistance at the store but the aisles were numbered and books were separated in glass boxes that were also labelled. The store also had a corner with a coffee machine and some totally comfortable seating options. This made me wonder what could be the purpose of this book shop when at the books weren’t accessible.

I started to explore the store more but it was the same case across all rows, plus no cashier or assistance or help. The next thought that came to my mind was if this was a prank and so I started looking for the hidden cameras, but in vain. This is when I discovered a quote on one of the walls of the store and it said - ASK AND YOU SHALL RECEIVE.

I wondered what it could mean and if it had something to do with this strange store that I was exploring.

Just then, I heard the glass door open and there entered another wanderer, cheerful and brimming with enthusiasm. I assumed that he would be owner of the place or may be the help. Surprisingly, he came into the store and right under the quote there was a board that started blinking. It showed some coordinates - Aisle-3, 5th box. The happy stranger went up to the highlighted coordinates and picked out a book from the glass box. He walked upto the caffeinated cozy corner and started reading his pick. I was awestruck and amazed at the technology advancement. Without further ado, I went up to the calm reader and asked him how he managed to pick out a book without any assistance or a key?!?!

He said, “Looks like this is your first visit.” I nodded in agreement.

He then asked me if I saw the quote on the wall, right opposite to the entryway. I said, “Yes I did, but was not sure if that was a clue or something”.

The smiling reader said, “That’s the instruction to get the book, my friend!”

With more confusion, I said - “I don’t understand”.

He said, “Let me hep you. Is there a book that you’re looking for?”

I replied “Nothing in particular”. He said “Well, that’s the challenge then. You see this store is a very special store, because it gives you the book that you want, just like the wishes that are granted by a jeanie!”

My eyes sparked with curiosity as I heard those words. This is when I realised that science actually has the power to make our fantasies come true.

I then enthusiastically asked the friendly stranger as to how I could pick a book? Did I have to wear a tag or get a card?

Teasingly he said, “You just have to ask”.

He then walked upto the wall and standing in front of the quote asked me to either think or speak out the name of the book that I wanted to read.

With excitement, I said, “The Secret”. And just like that the board right below the quote blinked and it showed Aisle-6, 9th box.

Excitedly I walked towards the coordinates and found that the box was open for me to pick out the book.

I was exhilarating with joy experiencing this advancement of technology that actually listened to my mind and fulfilled the command, just like the jeanie!

The kind reader then told me, “We are all in an era where we feel shy or inferior to ask and the purpose of this bookshop is to do its bit by allowing the readers to ask what they want”.

This stupefied me and I thought of all the scenarios where I did not ask - 

I did not ask for my friend’s time when I thought he was busy.

I did not ask how my parents were doing because they did not call me.

I did not ask my neighbour if he needed my help when he moved because he had professional help.

I did not ask my kid how his day was at school because he did not complain about anything.

I did not ask for professional help when I was depressed thinking I will manage on my own.

So from then on I decided that I will ask, if I receive nothing like it and if I don’t, well at least I tried!

Ask your loved ones to give you time.

Ask your family about their wellbeing.

Ask your friends for a coffee.

Ask for a hug when you’re low.

ASK AND YOU SHALL RECEIVE!

Happy Anniversary Mummy and Papa

Your anniversary reminds me of the good times you had as a couple and the differences you have embraced as individuals. I understand that an anniversary is not a reminder of just the good things a couple goes through, but also the sacrifices they make to keep the bond strong. I know there are many things that you dislike about each other but still look at the bright side of what each of you has done for the other.

Mummy – Marrying my father was probably the best thing that happened to you otherwise you would not have had the three wonderful children you have! But on a serious note, I know how difficult it would have been for you to make place in a man’s heart whose priority was always his duty.

Papa – You’re the luckiest man I know because you married my mother. Having a better half who despite being better at many things was never arrogant about it and blend into your mold very happily.

Both of you have done a lot for everyone around you and now is the time to show each other some love and care. Give each other what you were not able to give all these years because of responsibilities, duties and all the other baggage we can think of! If both of you cannot be each other’s companion at this time, then all the sacrifices that you made for everyone will not matter.

Hold each other – Listen to each other – Love each other – Talk to each other – Trust each other

Happy Anniversary! Love you both.

Who Am I..?

Aakankasha Vajpayee or Aakankasha Shukla or Dhairya’s mother or just Aakankasha?

The last six months have been a time of introspection for me and the two questions that have bothered me the most –

·       Who am I?

·       What is my purpose / passion?

While these two questions have been on my mind, there’s a reason why I am writing about it today. A very simple incident that triggered something very uncomfortable in me and I got to wondering why I even bother.

Today when Aditya was going to visit the new place where we would be staying, he wanted to take Shivani and didn’t even ask me. By the way, this was for inspecting the pending work that was still to be closed before we moved. Nothing more than the idea of these two experienced people visiting the place to report back on the WIP felt ridiculous. I snapped at Aditya saying what is she going to do there, take mom and go in case you really want to make use of the visit. And as always, that irked him.

More than anyone else, I was very upset with mom. Despite telling her repeatedly, she is not able to understand the dynamics of the stupid games that young people play these days and by ignoring these little things, she is building a pathway to ensuring loss of power for herself. I know this may sound harsh so what is a power play in a family but trust me it exists and the elders in the house need to exercise and make the other family members also realize the same. She then said something that completely made me lose it. She said I don’t understand anything that people tell me and can’t make sense out of anything.

As a daughter, while I wanted to empathize with her, but as a woman I felt the need to take her out of this stupid notion and own her house, her family and her position as the home minister! And just like it struck to me and I wanted to know why this was bothering me so much. Would it have mattered had I stayed separately and not be an audience to these things that are going on? Suddenly my opinion did not matter but the experience of a 26-year-old girl who has just lived with mom and dad for 6months, about how my parents should stay would be the new way of life?

So, at this juncture I think that I no longer have a place where my opinion matters – neither at my husband’s place not my parents’ place. And hence the question to be not to be – Vajpayee or Shukla? Or am I now expected to kill every belief that I have had as an individual and take care of my son, who is my lifeline right now? Now, if Dhairya is all I want in my life then why do I still feel incomplete or cannot restrict myself to just taking care of him and focusing all my energy on his. That should made be happy and not exhausting right? But I still need a break for him! Expecting that you don’t judge me here 😊

So, where will my voice be heard and emotions reciprocated? Am I going through an identity crisis or just on a journey to find my identity as simply Aakankasha?

Passion part of the confusion has got some clarity not and I know that adding value to people around me is what makes me happy. But the paradox about this is going to be that I will have to prepare myself to never have anything that I do for anyone reciprocated.

Now, this phase, that is the next 12 months, are either going to MAKE ME OR BREAK ME. I hope I turn out to be a crazy mix of all - Aakankasha - Vajpayee / Shukla / Mommy / Daughter / Sister / Friend / Colleague and at the end just a FANTABULOUS HUMAN BEING that everyone is happy around!

x

Losing a Part of My Childhood

Today morning I received the news of an uncle who passed away 20 days back. I was not informed about it with an assumption that I would get sad or have a migraine attack. Because that is what usually happens when I receive a news of this sort and parents as you know, are the most protective of you no matter how old you age. My office has also been crazy for over three weeks now and mom didn't want to add to it.

I have known Govind uncle since I was probably six or seven years old and have some of the most pleasant memories about him. I got to know that he had been battling cancer for a few years and lost the fight, owing to loss of his life.

I will always remember him as a happy man, no matter what. He was always smiling whenever I met him. Very warm in his appearance and a loving family figure, who lived a fulfilling life with children and grandchildren. Even after losing his caring and multi faceted life 15 years before his heavenly abode, he was always the same authentic self.

I am sorry that I did not know of his sickness. I am sorry that I never made an effort to get in touch with him in the last eight years 😞

Despite the gap in all these years, I feel a very happy part of my childhood is lost. This is how one grows up I suppose. Death brings us close to what is meaningful in life. It gives us a chance to feel the emotions that we have either forgotten or have not felt in a long time because of the kind of lives we are living today. 

Loss of a loved one or a cherished person, makes you realize momentarily, that the time we have with everyone around us is limited.. It is important to meet and share love when you are surrounded by your favorite people, who make you realize that the world is not a cold, harsh place. Live for the little things, meet without an occasion, because they will strengthen your belief that this is what life is about, this is what it means to be alive.

6-May 2020

"Govind uncle... You will always be a very loved part of my life and an indispensable memory. A big heart, welcoming smile, vibrant face, Mr Pop lollipops, Gajanand medical hall.

Thank you for a beautiful childhood that is now the most cherished phase of a confused and stressed adult"

Do Relationships Have An Expiry Date?

Yes, they absolutely do!

Relationships have always fascinated me. I have always valued all my relationships with every individual in my life because I truly believe that the moment you meet anyone you build a relationship. It is only momentarily that you decide the course of that relationship, in terms of time and direction.

So, my conclusion about relationships is that, just like everything materialistic in this world has an expiry date, relationships also have an expiry date and this date is different for all relations and solely depends on the nourishment of that relationship.

I have been extremely fortunate to experience some wonderful emotions, indescribable happiness and unbearable pain in my relationships. If you do not give a relationship the care, attention, respect and a lot of yourself, it is very difficult to build a lasting relationship. So, I can reassuringly tell you that

relationships are a lot of work and a road that is definitely two way!

Saying that a relationship which was built over years does not last may be an exaggeration so I will tone it down to saying that a relationship that does not receive its due nourishment, will stop growing and stagnate. As a result of this stagnation, it will eventually collapse.

I tried to understand what could be the pillars of a relationship that will not only build but also strengthen the same same as years pass by. And when I say relationship, I mean all relationships - professional, friends, acquaintances, romantic, spouse, parent - all of them!

1. Accept - Be accepting of everything about the other person - Strengths & Weaknesses
2. Communicate - Ask & Speak up about everything that you Feel & Expect
3. Honest - Nothing in this world can be precious than honesty between two individuals and this is the base of every brick that you lay as you move ahead
4. Passion - Give your 100% to the person you interact with leaving no room for judgement

If you have 10 minutes to spend on a video, please watch the one I am sharing below as I found it very apt and in tune with what I think of relationships.  While the speakers are talking about couples, I think these are valid for any relationship :)

Live, Laugh & Love!

आकाँक्षा